There are numerous symptoms attributed to the phenomenon of alien abduction. They’re pretty much the same everywhere you look, but in the lists below from Melinda Leslie and Mark Williams of InChelsea.com, psychic Ellie Crystal, and other sources. I’ve pretty much divvied these up into four categories.

Honestly, how many times did you answer “yes” to one of these questions? What was the breakdown per category? What might account for your positive responses?

Category 1
(a) Have you ever had unexplainable missing or lost time of one hour or more?
(b) Have you ever seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations?
(c) Do you have a memory of flying through the air which could not be a dream, or many dreams involving flying?
(d) Do you have a strong "marker memory" that will not go away (i.e.: an alien face, an examination, a needle, a table, a strange skinny baby, etc.)?
(e) Do you have a secret feeling that you are "special" or "chosen," somehow?
(f) Do you have inexplicably strong fears or phobias. (i.e. heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, certain sounds, bright lights, your personal security or being alone)?
(g) Have you experienced self-esteem problem much of your life?
(h) Have you ever seen anyone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time, especially someone you sleep with?
(i) Do you have a memory of a special place with spiritual significance, when you were a youngster?
(j) Have you felt suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area?
(k) Have ever had the feeling of being watched much of the time, especially at night?
(l) Have you ever seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there?
(m) Have you ever heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, the source of which you could not identify?
(n) Have you seen a hooded figure in or near your home, especially next to your bed?
(o) Do you have an unusual fear of doctors, or tend to avoid medical treatment?
(p) Do you sometimes feel that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things?
(q) Do you have insomnia or sleep disorders which are puzzling to you?
(r) Do you have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear?
(s) Are you prone to compulsive or addictive behavior?
(t) Have you ever channeled telepathic messages from extraterrestrials?
(u) Have you simply heard an external voice in your head, speaking to you, perhaps instructing or guiding you?
(v) Have you ever been afraid of your closet, now or as a child?
(w) Have you had sexual or relationship problems (such as an odd "feeling" that you must not become involved in a relationship because it would interfere with "something")?
(x) Do you feel that you must be very vigilant, or risk getting taken away by "someone"?
(y) Do you have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures?
(z) Do you recall your children or parents speaking of similar experiences on occasion?
(aa) Have you tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success?
(ab) Do you Have many of these traits but can't remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter?


Category 2
(a) Have you ever been paralyzed in bed with a being or presence in your room?
(b) Do you have unusual scars or marks, but don’t remember how you received them
(c) Have you ever had false pregnancy or spontaneous abortion?
(d) Have you ever left blood or strange stains on your sheet or pillow without any sign or memory of physical injury?
(e) Have you ever had unusual nose bleeds at any time in your life, especially upon waking?
(f) Have you awoken with inexplicable soreness in your genitals?
(g) Have you had back or neck problems (especially T-3 vertebrae), or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body?
(h) Do you suffer from chronic sinusitis or nasal problems?
(i) Have you experienced sporadic ringing in your ears, especially in one ear?
(j) Has your doctor ever discovered strange or foreign objects inside your body upon examination or x-ray?

Category 3
(a) Have you seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window?
(b) Have you had many dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings?
(c) Have you ever had psychic experiences - such as knowing that something is going to happen before it happens?
(d) Have you ever awoken in another place than where you went to sleep, or don't remember ever going to sleep?
(e) Have strong reaction to cover of Whitley Strieber's Communion, or pictures of aliens (either a strong aversion or attraction)?
(f) Do electronics around you go haywire, or oddly malfunction with no explanation?

Category 4
(a) Have you ever had a shocking UFO sighting or multiple sightings in your life?
(b) Do you posses a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or profound social consciousness?
(c) Do you feel as though you have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, sometime, without knowing where this compulsion is coming from?
(d) Have you experienced unexplainable events, and felt strangely anxious afterwards? (e) Have you ever dreamt of owl or deer eyes looking at you?
(f) Do you fear eyes?
(g) Have ever woken up, in the middle of the night, startled?
(h) Has anyone claimed to have seen a ship or alien near you, or declared that you’ve gone missing?
(i) Do you have an interest in the subject of UFO sightings or aliens?
(j) Do you have an extreme aversion towards the subject of UFO's or aliens?
(k) Do you have dreams of passing through a closed window or solid wall?
(l) Have had ever dreamt of doctors or medical procedures?
(m) Do you have a fear of sharp, metal instruments?
(n) Do you have close relatives who have military or civilian intelligence experience?
(o) Have you ever had paranormal or psychic experiences, including intuition?
(p) Do you have to sleep with your bed against a wall?
(q) Have you ever had dreams of destruction or catastrophe?
(r) Do you feel as though you should not talk about such things as aliens or ufos?

The good news: with one exception, I have received every recording that I need to complete The Golden Ganesh. Moreover, I have made rough cuts for eleven of the sixteen episodes. The only ones missing are those featuring Dee. I have received a test recording from he actress playing her, though, and she will be sending me two real episodes when she returns from Asia.

Meanwhile, I’ve taken a little trip to Cincinnati. Curious thing. Cincy’s the hub of the airline I took, so all flights go through there to points in the Midwest. So, you’d reckon that a fare between Washington and Cincinnati would be cheaper than one going from Washington to Columbus, OH--especially since you have to stop in Cincinnati to change planes for the Columbus flight.

Here’s the rub: the flight to Columbus is three hundred dollars cheaper. So, to get to Cincinnati, this time, I first had to fly to Cincy, so that I could fly to Columbus, so that I could drive back to Cincinnati. If I missed the flight from Cincy to Columbus, the airline would simply take the three hundred dollars out of my credit card.

If anyone reading this has ever worked with an airline, I would appreciate an explanation as to why such an agreement would make sense to the bean counters who set forth such policies.

For my next trip from Cincy to Washington, I’m seriously considering walking.

But if any of you are still around, I figure we’ll find something to amuse ourselves for the next few weeks.

Despite the fact that I noted that I would be scarce for the first few months of the year, I still feel that I should explain why I haven’t posted much as of late, and why I haven’t gotten around to all of your pages. Right now, I’m in a time/focus crunch that begins with preparing for the next year, and making my youngest nephew eat his vegetables. I’ll be setting up a new series soon. I just wanted you to know that I haven’t forgotten anyone, and I’m not going off the air.

Truth is, the time I would normally spend blogging, I’ve been using to produce new episodes of The Golden Ganesh. Due to the talents of some real actors, who came this way via Craigslist, by the end of this week we’ll have rough cuts of episodes one through eight, twelve and fifteen. The only ones that we’ll have left to do are the ones featuring Dee.

We have an actress doing the Dee role. Preliminary test recordings are encouraging, since she has a good ear for accents. As soon as she’s gotten everything in, I’ll let you know.

Here are the answers to the last quiz. In case you missed Monique’s answers, give them a read through. It’s not often I get spoofed on my own posts.

1. (Heart) I didn’t have the heart to tell Prism that I probably won’t get to the Philippines in time to celebrate Christmas with her. First answered by Yinyang. Independently answered by K9 and Ray.

2. (KoRn) Lend an ear to punster SJ, and he’ll fill it with corny jokes. Answered by no one.

3. (The Rolling Stones) Foam cautioned me on my upcoming trip to the Rockies, writing, “Look out for the rolling stones, especially near Boulder.” First answered by SJ. Independently answered by K9.

4. (The Who) I asked Charles if he had visited the ear doctor lately, and he said, “The who?” First answered by Crushed. Independently answered by Ray.

5. (Iron Maiden) When I told Cora she had a will of iron, Mayden simply said, “Thanks for the compliment.” First answered by SJ. Independently answered by Libby.

6. (38 Special) Enemy of the Republic and I took a day trip to interview a group of cavemen living in southern New Jersey. We noticed that in their numerical system, the numbers jumped around sometimes. When Enemy asked why they had no numbers between thirty-seven and thirty-nine, they replied, “38 special.” Answered by SJ.

7. (Jane’s Addiction) Crushed thought that Ms. Goodall might have a drinking or drug problem, but I told him that Jane’s addiction is to animals. Answered by SJ.

8. (Hole) When Fatty and I finally hooked up our microphones together, we sang the Christian favorite, “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.” First answered by Foam. Answered independently by Ray.

9. (Men at Work) When I went to visit Aggie, I drove on the wrong side of the road and almost hit some poor slob on a construction crew. I didn’t see him, but Aggie pointed out a sign that clearly said, “MEN AT WORK.” First answered by Crushed. Independently answered by Libby.

10. (Red Hot Chili Peppers) Benjibopper told me that he once burned his tongue by eating too many red hot chili peppers. Answered by Crushed.

11. (Smashing Pumpkins) Yinyang said that when she passed by the patch, she saw a few of her classmates smashing pumpkins. Answered by SJ.

12. (The Cranberries) K9 said that every Thanksgiving she helps herself to the turkey, the mashed potatoes, the stuffing, and the pumpkin pie, but she avoids the cranberries. First answered by Ray. Independently answered by K9.

13. (Linkin Park) Boneman passed on a bit of trivia. As a young man in Illinois, President Honest Abe himself used to work as a valet. Truth be told, I’d pay anything to watch Lincoln park cars. Answered by Crushed.

14. (Bon Jovi) Fellow musician JohnB showed me his banjo collection. He numbered each instrument, so I naturally found banjoVI right next to BanjoV. Almost full credit to Ray.

15. (Fine Young Cannibals) Enigma4Ever had an opportunity to ask President Obama what he would do if teenaged flesh-eating zombies ever posed national security problems. He said that he would initially fine young cannibals. If that didn’t work, he’d impose tougher sanctions. Answered by no one.

16. (Dell-Vikings) One of our friends from up north said that if he were a tenth-century Norseman, he might have written a team blog titled, “The Passion of the Dale Vikings.”

17. (The Beatles) Jean and I took a little trip down the east coast. I drove while she counted Volkswagens, 158 of them all. “My gods!” she exclaimed. “The Beetles were out in full force today!”

18. (Sly & the Family Stone) Malcolm posted a story of how police found Sylvester Stallone, his mom Jackie and his brother Frank wandering aimlessly about in a lonely woods, and barely able to speak. The cops thought they might have been intoxicated, but drug and alcohol tests were negative. For now, it’s left everyone to wonder just what it was that got Sly and the family stoned.”

19. (Nirvana) Devin’s history of 1930s gangsters included one post in which the Lady in Red criticized Dillinger’s poor driving, prompting the notorious killer to groan, ‘You’ve got a lot of nerve, Anna.” (The ‘The Lady in Red’ was Ana Cumpănaş, aka Anna Sage.) Answered by no one.

20. (Valley of the Jeep Beats) When I visited him in Japan, NYD took me up to a scenic overlook. Down in the lowlands, next to the river, I saw a number of surplus military vehicles. They all started this rhythmic pulsing, each pounding away in it’s own lyrical groove. I asked him where we were, and he replied, “This is the valley of the jeep beats.” Answered by no one.

21. (Twisted Sister) Dr. Alistair told me about the time he counseled a pair of identical twins. They complained about each other quite a bit. “She’s always tying me up in knots,” groused one twisted sister. Partial credit for an alternative answer goes to Ray (for Thompson Twins).

22. (Jefferson Airplane) Helene said she wanted to make another trip to Europe, and the cheapest fare flew out of Long Island. In fact Ft. Jefferson airplanes were usually cheaper than those leaving out of JFK, LaGuardia or Newark. Answered by no one.

23. (Parliament) Middle Ditch character Randolph Minton seems to spend much more time with Lady Annabel than he does in Parliament. Answered by Monique/Middle Ditch—who assures us this will change soon.

24. (Quiet Riot) Pjazzypar fell asleep before the rumble, but didn’t wake up when it started. You see, it was a quiet riot.

25. (Ohio Players) Libby wanted to form a murderball team in her home state of Ohio. Players were kinda hard to find, though. Answered by no one..

26. (Evanescence) Ray’s wife begged him for years to buy a bottle of a special perfume for her birthday. One year, he bought it, and carped, “Here’s your f-in’ essence,” before giving it to her. Answered by no one.

27. (Fleetwood Mac) Once he moved back to New York, Ricardo saw a dealership that specialized in classic cars. One 1960s Cadillac immediately caught his eye. “Lemme guess,” he said to the salesman. “That’s a ’65 Coupe DeVille, right?”

The salesman looked at him with disgust, and said, “Are youse kiddin’? That’s a Fleetwood, Mack.”